I was born in England in 1959, my father Aziz Radwan from Egypt and my mother Mary Magson from England. My father was Muslim but wasn’t very religious. However, when he married my mother, he insisted that she convert to Islam and we were raised as Muslims. When we were young, my father hired a Tunisian sheikh to teach us Arabic and to memorise the Qur’an. I wasn’t very religious in my youth until I approached the age of twenty when I became confused about my identity and asked myself questions such as who am I? What is the meaning of life? What is my goal? Then a series of events caused me to review the religion of my birth.
The first was the Islamic revolution in Iran. I remember watching the battles in the streets of Tehran on television and the courage of the people in front of the heavily armed guard of the Shah. I found the pictures inspiring. I was also aware that Islam played an important role in motivating them.
I was faced by another example of the power of faith when my close friend came back from a trip to proclaim he had found Jesus and become a Christian after having been an atheist. My friend tried to convert me, but when he explained its doctrines such as the Trinity, Original Sin and Atonement, I felt they were irrational concepts I couldn’t believe in.
Not long after this came another event in this series, when I saw the famous pop singer "Cat Stevens" on television announcing that he'd embraced Islam, changed his name to Yusuf Islam and retired from the music industry. The public were surprised that he would turn his back on fame & fortune for the sake of Islam, but it aroused my curiosity and encouraged me to look again at my religion.
The last episode in this series of events was my visit to Egypt with my father. We stayed at my uncle's apartment in Cairo. He was a very religious person and we soon entered into discussions about religion. He gave me a copy of the Qur’an and made me promise I would read it. So, the next day I sat down to read the Qur’an as promised, with the intention of just reading a few pages, but I found a strange attraction and warmth in reading it and I couldn’t put it down.
God is the light of the heavens and the earth… (35:24) My Mercy envelops all things (156:7) If my servants asks you about me, indeed I am close; I respond to the call of he who calls, whenever he calls to Me (186:2) Indeed, We are closer to him than his jugular vein (16:50) Wherever you turn, there is the face of God (115:2) And do not turn your cheek in contempt toward people nor walk through the earth exultantly. Indeed, God loveth not the arrogant boaster (18:31) Be good to parents, to kinfolk, to orphans and the needy, and speak kindly to mankind (83:2) We have made you into nations and tribes so that you get to know one another. The most noble of you in the sight of God is the best in conduct. (13:49) No one is responsible for the sin of another (18:35) The servants of the Merciful walk upon the earth with humility and when the foolish berate them they respond with peaceful words. (63:25)
The words affected me emotionally and I felt a strange power in my heart to the extent that tears began to roll down my cheeks. I felt certain it was God speaking to me through these pages and that I had discovered the meaning of life I'd been searching for. I returned to England full of zeal & determination to immerse myself in my faith.
When I returned to England, I studied Arabic and Islamic history at S.O.A.S, University of London. My special subjects were Tafseer of the Qur'an and pre-Islamic poetry. Among the professors who taught me were Dr. Abdel Halim, who published the popular translation of the Qur'an, Dr. David Cowan, the English Muslim who wrote a well-known text-book on Arabic grammar & Dr. John Wansbrough the author of "Quranic Studies". I was keen to learn all I could about Islam and the university library became my second home. I would study late into the night until the librarians had to ask me to leave at closing time. During my second year at university I became president of the Islamic Society and I set up a bookstall for Islamic materials and got approval from the university authorities to use a room for daily and Friday prayers.
I was also keen to call people to Islam outside the university and I attended Islamic circles in mosques & houses and became the leader of one of these circles called “The Dawah Society.”
One day one of my friends invited me to attend a meeting known as the Jama’at Tableegh, a movement aimed at bringing Muslims back to the right path. The meeting was held at a mosque in the north of England and we stayed there for two weeks night and day isolated from the secular world. We spent every day listening to lectures & left the mosque only to call local residents to come & listen to talks. This experience had a profound affect on me and when it came time to return home, I found my whole focus was concentrated on the Hereafter, the worship of God, obeying His commands and avoiding his prohibitions. Not only did I perform all the obligatory acts but I did my utmost to perform every Sunna and extra act of worship also.
The awakening of faith coincided with a widespread awakening among Muslims in England in the late 1970s and early 1980s. Amongst the causes of this awakening were a number of emotive factors in the Muslim world at the time, such as the Islamic Revolution in Iran, the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, the Israeli invasion of Lebanon & the Sabra and Shatila massacre. However, perhaps the most important of these factors was the funding of Islamic Dawah by the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, which led to the spread of Salafi ideology in every corner of the world & the emergence of militant political movements such as the Jihadists and Caliphate groups.
During these years, the number of Muslims rediscovering their faith increased and our Da'wa Society became ever more crowded. We organized many activities, including camping trips, museum visits, Iftar parties & the publication of an Islamic magazine that I edited. In 1988 Salman Rushdie wrote his novel "The Satanic Verses". I hadn’t heard about it until one of our members brought some quotes to the Dawah Society. After reading them we decided to write letters to the publisher demanding the book be withdrawn due to it insulting the Prophet. The issue stirred the emotions of Muslims and increased their interest in politics. As a result, many came to adopt more aggressive methods. Among those attending our meeting was Farid Kassim, the spokesman for Hizb ut-Tahrir, who believed that the only solution to the problems facing the Muslim Ummah was the establishment of the Islamic Caliphate. He was so extreme that he left Hizb ut-Tahrir to form a more radical party called "Al-Muhajiroun" with his colleague Omar Bakri.
Islam places great emphasis on marriage & it is considered half of one’s religion. As a result, I was constantly being approached by people advising me to get married. Amongst them was an Egyptian woman called "Sister Sharifa", who was always at Regents Park Mosque and seemed to work as an unofficial matchmaker. She would stand by the entrance to the mosque and ask every young girl entering: "Are you married?" If they answered "No", then Sister Sharifa would search for a suitable young man for her. Thus it was that she came to my father’s house, one day, with a girl she considered suitable for me. We met her family and we liked each other and it wasn’t long before we were married.
I had five children in total, but my daughter Huda died in hospital a week after her birth, which caused me enormous pain. However, I told myself that behind every trial is a wisdom and a mercy and perhaps the reason was my own shortcomings and so I resolved to strive even harder to be a good Muslim.
After graduating from university, I completed postgraduate studies in education and got a job as a teacher at Islamia School, founded by Yusuf Islam. In those days I was at the height of my faith and very active in the British Muslim community. I spent fifteen years as a teacher at Islamia School & wrote two books for Muslim children and two collections of Islamic plays based on traditional Islamic folktales.
When I joined Islamia School, Sheikh Faisal was the Imam of the school but it soon became clear that he held some fanatical views and so the headmaster asked him to resign. He moved to the Brixton mosque where he became even more extreme & delivered sermons inciting the killing of Hindus, Christians, Jews and Americans. It later became apparent that he had influenced one of the London bombers. This led to his imprisonment for 4 years. After that Sheikh Ahmed Babikir became Imam of the school. He was a humble & spiritual man belonging to a Sufi tradition. He had a deep knowledge of Islam as well as an engaging and appealing style of teaching.
One of my friends became a hard-line Salafi and gave allegiance to a Sheikh who claimed to be the Khlaifah. His name was Abu Issa al-Rifai, known as Abu Hammam. He gave his lectures at the Golborne Road mosque where he ordered his followers to emigrate to Afghanistan. My friend gave me a “Declaration” from this Sheikh and implored me to join him. The statement was full of extremist views which I rejected completely. So, my friend lifted his eyes to the sky and shouted with trembling voice, "Oh God bear witness I have delivered the message! Oh God bear witness I have delivered the message!" I did my best to dissuade him from his deluded beliefs, but he refused to listen, as though he was gripped by a kind of madness. He then travelled to Afghanistan. I didn’t hear from him until one of his friends returned and informed me, he had been killed there during the sectarian fighting between the various Jihadi groups. As for the Caliph Abu Hammam, he fled to Britain after his defeat where he continued to deliver sermons until his death in 2014.
I was teaching at Islamia School on September 11th when news of the attacks in America came through. The school closed early because of threats it had received from some anonymous quarters. There was a strange silence in the streets as I returned to my house. I wondered how a Muslim could commit this terrible crime in the name of God? How can any Muslim misunderstand Islam to this extent?
My instinctive response was that there was no connection between the acts of these terrorists and the religion of Islam at all. Islam was completely innocent of them. Either they had a false understanding, or they were just using Islam for their corrupt purposes. They must be driven by political or economic grievances. Or perhaps they are suffering from mental illness. However, many of my colleagues and friends claimed that the Zionists and America were behind this crime.
We Muslims love conspiracy theories and swallow them easily without evidence, whether it’s the theory that the world is under the control of the Freemasons or the theory that the logo "Coca-Cola" when reversed, says "No Mohammed, no Mecca,". However in in reality they reveal our feelings of inadequacy and lack of control over our lives. Conspiracy theories spread at times of weakness and fear and when it is difficult to face a bitter reality, so we resort to believing in conspiracies to calm our anxieties and protect our beliefs.
But what really shocked me was that some friends tried to justify and defend these attacks on the grounds that the victims were not innocent because they voted for the Kufr regime that is slaughtering Muslims.
Although I tried to distance Islam from the actions of groups such as al-Qaeda, I realised there is a dilemma here we do not want to recognise. Namely that Islamic texts lend themselves to contradictory interpretations. It is true that the interpretations of these extremist groups do not represent the only interpretation, but it is not true to deny their relationship to Islam completely.
One of my friends presented evidence from the Qur’an & Sunnah to support the attacks. Of course, I rejected his views as a distortion of Islam. But my friend was well versed in the teachings of Islam and so I was astonished by his absolute certainty that he was right to defend this attack. This made me wonder if I too was utterly convinced of beliefs that could be wrong?
There were also events in my personal life that took me out of my comfort zone and forced me to review my life and beliefs, including the breakdown of my marriage. But the greatest blow was the illness of my eldest son. He had fallen in with a group of youngsters who were smoking cannabis & unfortunately became very ill and suffers to this day from schizophrenia.
Every night I prayed & begged God to heal my son just as I had begged him to heal my daughter "Huda" before she died, but again the heavens were silent despite what the Qur’an says: "Call on me, I will respond to you.” & that God “Answers the distressed one when he calls upon Him and removes the suffering.” I consoled myself with the usual explanations that we Muslims use at such times. That it is a test as the Qur’an says; "To test you to see who is the best in deeds.” And that God will reward us for our Sabr, and God gives us what we need & not what we want, and there is a wisdom we cannot perceive. Or that it’s my own fault as the Qur’an says; “Whatever calamity befalls you it is because of what your own hands have earned.” I must have neglected some duties. I must simply remain patient & grateful, whatever befalls me.
However I recalled how the Qur’an mocks the Polytheists for worshipping gods that don’t answer them: “Who is more astray than one who calls upon other than Allah who don’t answer them?” and: “”Say call upon those you claim other than Allah, they cannot remove your affliction nor change your condition!” I asked myself, does Allah truly answer prayers? Does he really remove afflictions and calamities? Why do we accept many excuses for Allah’s lack of response, but when it comes to the lack of response of the gods of other religions there is only one reason – it is because they are false! Is there a tangible difference between calling on Allah and calling on Allat & Uzza, or calling upon Jesus & the Virgin Mary, or calling upon Krishna & Ganesh?
I was at the Islamia school on the day of the London bombings in 2005 and once again many Muslims rushed to conspiracy theories while some tried to justify it, as happened whenever there was a terrorist attack. They pounced on any excuse to avoid attributing problems to the Islamic texts themselves.
Despite the many questions that troubled me, I was up until then absolutely sure that Islam was the true religion. But I began to review the text of the Qur'an in a much more critical way and not in a devotional way, which only views the Qur'an through the lens of faith.
One of the things that disturbed me most was the concept of eternal torture in Hell. The Qur’an describes it as a place of the most terrible forms of barbaric & cruel torture that will never be eased for a moment, nor will it ever end.
Those who disbelieve our revelations, we will burn them in the fire. Whenever their skins are roasted off, we will exchange them for new skins so that they keep suffering the torment. (4:56) They will have suits of flames cut out for them & on their heads will be poured scorching water (19:22) If they beg for relief, they will be granted water like molten brass which roasts their faces. (29:18) It will melt their insides & their skins (20:22) Boiling water that will shred their intestines (47:15) Never will the torment be eased off them (3:88) Never will they get out (5:37) They will remain in it forever (4:169)
How can you blame someone for simply not being convinced by Islam? Doesn’t such eternal torture contradict justice & reason - never mind mercy?
Human beings face many claims from religions and none of them are conclusive. Faith depends on a variety of factors such as family, environment, education, cultural bias and so on. It has nothing to do with a person’s virtue or lack of virtue. How can it be right to torture someone who has committed no crime nor even has complete control over what he believes or doesn’t believe?
The Quran says that God is the Most Merciful of those who show Mercy and that His Mercy envelops all things, but where is this Mercy? I am utterly baffled by the word Mercy that is so often repeated in the Qur’an. Does God give it a meaning that is different from the meaning it has amongst humans?
It is said that God's mercy is for everyone in this life but only for believers in the next. Well if that's the case then his mercy doesn't envelop all things!! It is absent when it is needed most and has the real significance.
Criminologists explain that punishment should not simply be about revenge only, but must include a purpose such as reform or treatment. But what is the purpose of torturing unbelievers without end? If they have a sickness in their hearts as the Qur'an says, then why doesn't God cure them?
It is often claimed that those who are sent to Hell can never be reformed, as the Qur'an says, "If they were sent back, they would return to that which they were forbidden." But doesn’t God have "Power over all things"? And if God is truly the "Most Merciful of those who show Mercy," then why not just let them die at the very least? What is the point of keeping them alive so they can simply be tortured without end?
I remember Shaykh al-Zindani said in one of his lectures that the unbeliever deserves eternal punishment because he died with the intention that if he were to live forever, he would disbelieve in God forever, but whatever the intention of a person when he dies, his intention may change if his life were prolonged. The unbeliever may become a believer and the believer may become an unbeliever. So eternal punishment is not because of his intention at the moment of death, but because God knows his intention will not change even if he lived forever – and God knew that from the start. So, if it is the knowledge of God that is the reason for eternal Hell and not our limited actions, then what is the meaning of this life? Isn’t God above doing things for no reason?
I always used to say that the descriptions of Hell in the Qur'an are merely metaphors and must not be understood literally, but whether those descriptions are metaphors or not - the result is exactly the same: a punishment that causes eternal suffering, whether physical, mental or spiritual.
My questions & doubts continued to multiply, among them was the following verse in Sura Al-Nisa: “As for those from whom you fear rebellion, admonish them then separate in bed from them and then hit them.”
Is this really the speech of an all-wise, all-knowing God? Is disciplining a wife by hitting her amongst the divine secrets revealed from heaven?
Psychologists agree that hitting your wife is completely unacceptable behaviour & is not an effective way of solving marital problems. On the contrary it can cause physical & psychological harm, as well as being extremely humiliating - even if it is “not a harsh beating” as hadith says.
As for those who say it simply means a light tap with Miswaak, this turns a serious matter into an absurd farce. Imagine the scene - a husband says to his wife, "Darling, I tried to explain and I tried a temporary separation but to no effect. So now I want you to stand still for a moment while I make some light taps on your shoulder with this toothpick.” It is utterly absurd. I tried many times to make sense of this verse to calm my doubts, but I had no choice other than to be honest with myself. I simply couldn’t believe that this was the speech of the creator of the Universe.
I could no longer ignore the many other verses that caused me turmoil such as those that allow the possession of slaves and sex with concubines. Or that stipulated punishments such as flogging & amputation of hands or that contained stories that contradict reason such as the story of Gog and Magog trapped behind a wall until the Day of Judgment, Solomon and his talking animals, the Jinn who didn’t realise Solomon died until an insect ate his walking stick & he fell down, the whale that swallowed Jonah, the squadron of birds that defeated an army with stones, the creation of Adam and Eve, which contradicts scientific evidence, or the story of Dhul-Qarnayn which resembles the Alexander Myths that are well known fictions. I felt like I had woken up from a long sleep.
The main proof that Islam is true according to Muslims, is the miraculous linguistic nature of the Qur’an, but I now asked myself; where is this miracle? All I see are human words. The Quran is not on one level, it has beautiful passages and not so beautiful passages, but there is nothing I can honestly say is outside human ability.
The Qur’an says, "If you are in doubt about what we revealed to our servant, then bring a Surah like it". Well, yes, I am in doubt and it’s true I can’t bring something like the Qur’an, but does that mean it’s from God? I also can’t bring something like Shakespeare's plays, nor Homer's poetry nor Tolstoy novels, but is this proof they’re from God?
Each author has his own style, his particular time and unique environment. If the challenge is to produce works exactly like theirs, then that’s impossible, no matter who the author is. However, if the challenge is to produce better works, then this challenge is a matter of opinion. It’s like saying: "My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, bring another like her if you are truthful!" It is subject to many factors that profoundly influence how we perceive things, such as emotional attachment and confirmation bias.
Even at the time of Muhammad many Arabs didn’t consider the Qur’an to be a miracle and ridiculed it. They only accepted Islam after a long and violent struggle. Also, in the golden age of Islam there were some scholars and writers who didn’t believe in the miraculous nature of the Qur’an.
It's often said that the miracle of the Qur'an cannot be denied without a deep knowledge of Arabic grammar, language and eloquence. But if this is true, the opposite is also true. It is impossible to *believe* in the miracle of the Qur'an without a profound knowledge of Arabic grammar, language and eloquence. But most Muslims don’t understand Arabic never mind the subtleties of eloquence. Their faith isn't based on their personal knowledge. Despite this, every Muslim, regardless of his language or level of education is certain that the Qur’an is a miracle outside the capacity of humans.
The truth is that faith has a huge impact on how information is perceived because humans have an instinctive tendency to accept information that's consistent with their beliefs while not paying equivalent attention to information that contradicts them. This phenomenon is known as Confirmation Bias.
As for the "scientific miracles" so widespread in our day and age, when I looked into them, I soon realised they were nothing more than ridiculous delusions & nonsense. Even the great scientists of Islamic golden age never made such claims.
By 2006 my faith had dwindled to the extent that I felt I had to resign from Islamia School. I got a job teaching over the internet, which allowed me to take care of my children and my ageing mother who was suffering from Alzheimer's.
I tried to forget all my doubts and just occupy myself with my daily duties. However I didn’t notice depression had crept up on me and was gradually increasing. After three years I went to the doctor and she prescribed antidepressant pills, but those pills caused me to attempt suicide. It was the worst moment of my life and a shock to my family, who didn’t realise I was going through such an ordeal. They stepped in to relieve me of some of the burdens I had been struggling with on my own & my brother insisted I stay with him for a while on his farm in the countryside.
My stay in the countryside gave me the opportunity to think and meditate. I realised that loss of faith in Islam has stages. The first is denial and an insistence that there is no problem. Islam is the ideal & perfect religion that is free from any problems. The second stage is anger & blame, anger at critics of Islam and throwing blame on others. The third stage is a tendency towards Islamic reform movements that call for a new understanding by reinterpreting the Qur'an. The fourth stage is depression & feeling there is no purpose to life. The last stage is acceptance of reality & dealing with the new situation.
I don’t have the answers to the big questions such as the meaning of life nor if there is a god or not, but I know I no longer believe in Islam nor in any religion. In my opinion, all religions are man-made. This doesn’t mean I hate Muslims, on the contrary I feel enormous empathy towards them. I know that most believers are peaceful & good and I know religion brings a great deal of comfort to millions. But although I am not against religion, I do call for the non-interference of religion in the life of an individual and I call for freedom of thought & freedom of conscience and the right of an individual to choose what he believes and what he doesn’t believe without punishments, threats or pressure. An individual's beliefs are between him and his God and must not be imposed on others.
Man finds comfort in certainty and doesn’t like to admit his ignorance. But as the philosopher Voltaire said, “Doubt is an uncomfortable position, but certainty is an absurd one.” No one can be certain of metaphysical questions. As a result, humans created religions to give them certainty and peace of mind in a world full of dangers and fears. But if there is truly a wise God then he wouldn't punish us for not believing in that which we cannot believe in. On the contrary, he would want us to be honest with ourselves.
Since I became open about my disbelief in Islam many have accused me of insulting God, but I ask you honestly who is really guilty of insult? The one who says the Most Merciful of the Merciful tortures his creation without end? Or the one who says that if there is a God, he must be higher and greater than that!?
I came, I do not know from where, but I came I saw in front of me a path, so I walked I must keep walking whether I want to or not How did I come? How did I see my path? I do not know (Ilya Abu Madi)